Cutting

Due to a recent suggestion, this blog will cover a few key elements about the behavior of cutting. Cutting is not a new topic but an ongoing issue that raises great concern. I’ll be taking two perspectives on this topic because I feel it is helpful to view cutting from the perspective of a person who cuts as well as a person who cares about a person who cuts, often a parent or friend. The language and structure is my attempt to inform people who may not know what cutting is or who have little experience in working with cutting. If it doesn’t seem academic enough but it is extremely informative and helpful, I have done what I hoped.
Though I have an abundance of experience working with many people who cut (notice I stay away from labeling a person a “cutter”), also known as self-mutilation, there are things I learn every time I work with the issue. The most important thing I believe I can say is “make no assumptions”. A person who is cutting is a unique person. They are NOT cutters, they are people who cut. What it takes for them to stop cutting is unique to the individual. In my opinion, anyone who tells you they can make someone stop cutting with a specific technique that “always works” is full of crap.
Definition
Cutting is a form of self mutilation or self injury in which a person typically uses an object that is capable of leaving a scar and/or making themselves bleed. There are physiological concerns as well as psychological, sociological, cultural and even moral concerns with cutting. A teen cutter, for example, often has plenty of reality training from caring adults and friends about the physiological concerns of cutting. However, I suggest we ask what psychological, sociological, cultural and moral(maybe religious) understandings of cutting are? Chances are, there is a lot less understanding of these areas than the physiological. Please know that I have seen people who cut due to moral pressures as much as I have seen people who cut because they lack moral structure.
The Person Behind the Cutting
A person who cuts often does so out of a feeling of need. They get something they deem necessary and positive from the cutting experience. I’ve been told things like, “I have to do it” or “I can’t stop myself”. No matter how difficult this is for a caring person to understand, it is the reality of the individual that they feel a great need to cut themselves. This does not imply a need or desire to die. The reasons for cutting vary and depend on the person. In many cases, there are multiple factors working simultaneously. An analogy I like to think of when working with any client facing a potentially dangerous problem is the analogy of a key. This is how the analogy goes:
Let’s take the key to a house or car as an example. First and foremost, the process of making the key only matters because the key does something in the end that is useful. Without a need, there is no reason to open the door. The house or car might keep a person warm, dry or give a sense of safety. At some point the process down the path of cutting started from a point where the behavior was useful.
The next step in forming a key is by giving it exactly the right shape. Only with the exact right shape will the key be effective and open the door. Emotionally, the behavior has to be reinforced multiple times (the ridges of a key are being formed) in order for the shape to take hold and the behavior to become a pattern. For example, a person who cuts the first time and they feel no relief or comfort will likely stop cutting. There is no need to continue a behavior that doesn’t serve the individual.
The final stage of the key is being able to use it when you want and know that it will work. If a person goes out of town and returns three weeks later, the key still opens the door, starts the ignition or gets you in the house. A person can emotionally have no need for cutting themselves for hours, days, weeks or even years but the ability to access that place still exists. Once a key is made, it is very difficult to unmake the key. In some cases, it isn’t even possible to unmake a key. There is a position of hope though. In situations that don’t allow for destroying the key and starting over, we make a new key that is more effective and less dangerous. Thus, we replace a dangerous behavior with a healthier behavior that fills the same psychological, sociological, cultural and/or moral void that is being filled with cutting.
***What is healthy for one person may not be for another. There are many factors and it’s a good idea to seek wise counsel before making major changes. Wise counsel may or may not be a professional counselor but for the sake of my profession, I hope you would find professional counseling to be a great experience.
Caring other
Anyone who hears about someone cutting or behaving in a manner that doesn’t appear to be healthy and chooses to care is a “caring other”. It seems to be unusual, at least in my experiences, to have a person who cuts come out and say so before I hear it from someone else. Often times, there is a fair amount of shame behind the act of cutting. To make things simple, I am going to highlight what I often teach parents and guide caring people through when dealing with a person who is doing any act that is dangerous like cutting.
- This isn’t a time to run away from or become afraid of the person even if it is a bit scary.
- There is a reason for the behavior but you may never know what that reason is so be prepared to accept that you won’t know. (If you learn why, then that’s just a bonus!)
- The person is what’s important. They are NOT the problem.
- Show the person respect because the feelings are REAL and the behavior is probably only a less typical way of processing something.
- Don’t assume you know how to fix the problem. Chances are, the only one who can truly fix it is them.
- If you don’t know what to do, say or think, then be open to setting the example for them by seeking good counsel yourself. There are good counselors out there who would love to know you.

Have you ever wondered how others see you?

In the 1950’s Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham created a model of mapping personality awareness called the Johari Window. The idea was to create opportunities for improved awareness and therefore opportunities for personal growth. Like Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham, I believe personal insight is a key piece to becoming who we want to be.

So, what is Johari’s window? The first image below is for all of you who are more visual and the second image will tie it all together. Johari’s Window takes into account the perspective from an individual and from people around that individual. You’ll see it described as “self” and “others”. The second image describes the visibility from the self and from the other. You’ll see that each person can only see part way across the box. For example, we have “blind spots” that others can see but we can’t and we have an “unknown” section that no one can see, including ourselves. The “façade” section is the section that we choose to keep from others and I will refer to it as secrets.

Now it gets interesting. Through insight, I believe we can gain control over the impacts of our blind spots, the unknown, the façade (secrets) and the things we project in the open arena. For example, there are times in our lives when we keep secrets and it’s healthy. There are also times when we keep secrets and it’s unhealthy. Knowing the difference between when it is healthy and when it is unhealthy is very important. I was recently asked what kind of things would fall in the “façade” box that would be healthy. I responded by discussing importance of openly sharing details of previous relationships with a current partner. You may have dated someone in the past that shared too many details about other relationships. It can be annoying, hurtful, or just a waste of time to have all that detail. What matters most is who you are now and therefore some of the details are not necessary and can be kept secret. It’s often best to weigh the benefits and risks of each specific situation. As you might quickly see, there are many risks to keeping secrets. For example, if a man or woman cheats on their partner should they keep it secret? People who cheat on their partners have many things going on that need to be dealt with and it quickly becomes very complex. Therefore, each situation should be dealt with on an individual basis. Your counselor would become a great asset in discussing how and when disclosure should happen or if it shouldn’t happen. Through insight, possibly by use of the Johari’s Window, our actions become more intentional which makes mistakes less likely.

On a side note, I’ve modified Johari’s Window below to show an example of what I think happens as we learn about ourselves and consider other’s perspectives along with our own in making personal changes. Though the process of getting to this point can be long and difficult, notice the reduced risks associated with the long term work. The blind spots shrink, the secrets diminish and the unknown becomes discoverable.