Cutting

Due to a recent suggestion, this blog will cover a few key elements about the behavior of cutting. Cutting is not a new topic but an ongoing issue that raises great concern. I’ll be taking two perspectives on this topic because I feel it is helpful to view cutting from the perspective of a person who cuts as well as a person who cares about a person who cuts, often a parent or friend. The language and structure is my attempt to inform people who may not know what cutting is or who have little experience in working with cutting. If it doesn’t seem academic enough but it is extremely informative and helpful, I have done what I hoped.
Though I have an abundance of experience working with many people who cut (notice I stay away from labeling a person a “cutter”), also known as self-mutilation, there are things I learn every time I work with the issue. The most important thing I believe I can say is “make no assumptions”. A person who is cutting is a unique person. They are NOT cutters, they are people who cut. What it takes for them to stop cutting is unique to the individual. In my opinion, anyone who tells you they can make someone stop cutting with a specific technique that “always works” is full of crap.
Definition
Cutting is a form of self mutilation or self injury in which a person typically uses an object that is capable of leaving a scar and/or making themselves bleed. There are physiological concerns as well as psychological, sociological, cultural and even moral concerns with cutting. A teen cutter, for example, often has plenty of reality training from caring adults and friends about the physiological concerns of cutting. However, I suggest we ask what psychological, sociological, cultural and moral(maybe religious) understandings of cutting are? Chances are, there is a lot less understanding of these areas than the physiological. Please know that I have seen people who cut due to moral pressures as much as I have seen people who cut because they lack moral structure.
The Person Behind the Cutting
A person who cuts often does so out of a feeling of need. They get something they deem necessary and positive from the cutting experience. I’ve been told things like, “I have to do it” or “I can’t stop myself”. No matter how difficult this is for a caring person to understand, it is the reality of the individual that they feel a great need to cut themselves. This does not imply a need or desire to die. The reasons for cutting vary and depend on the person. In many cases, there are multiple factors working simultaneously. An analogy I like to think of when working with any client facing a potentially dangerous problem is the analogy of a key. This is how the analogy goes:
Let’s take the key to a house or car as an example. First and foremost, the process of making the key only matters because the key does something in the end that is useful. Without a need, there is no reason to open the door. The house or car might keep a person warm, dry or give a sense of safety. At some point the process down the path of cutting started from a point where the behavior was useful.
The next step in forming a key is by giving it exactly the right shape. Only with the exact right shape will the key be effective and open the door. Emotionally, the behavior has to be reinforced multiple times (the ridges of a key are being formed) in order for the shape to take hold and the behavior to become a pattern. For example, a person who cuts the first time and they feel no relief or comfort will likely stop cutting. There is no need to continue a behavior that doesn’t serve the individual.
The final stage of the key is being able to use it when you want and know that it will work. If a person goes out of town and returns three weeks later, the key still opens the door, starts the ignition or gets you in the house. A person can emotionally have no need for cutting themselves for hours, days, weeks or even years but the ability to access that place still exists. Once a key is made, it is very difficult to unmake the key. In some cases, it isn’t even possible to unmake a key. There is a position of hope though. In situations that don’t allow for destroying the key and starting over, we make a new key that is more effective and less dangerous. Thus, we replace a dangerous behavior with a healthier behavior that fills the same psychological, sociological, cultural and/or moral void that is being filled with cutting.
***What is healthy for one person may not be for another. There are many factors and it’s a good idea to seek wise counsel before making major changes. Wise counsel may or may not be a professional counselor but for the sake of my profession, I hope you would find professional counseling to be a great experience.
Caring other
Anyone who hears about someone cutting or behaving in a manner that doesn’t appear to be healthy and chooses to care is a “caring other”. It seems to be unusual, at least in my experiences, to have a person who cuts come out and say so before I hear it from someone else. Often times, there is a fair amount of shame behind the act of cutting. To make things simple, I am going to highlight what I often teach parents and guide caring people through when dealing with a person who is doing any act that is dangerous like cutting.
- This isn’t a time to run away from or become afraid of the person even if it is a bit scary.
- There is a reason for the behavior but you may never know what that reason is so be prepared to accept that you won’t know. (If you learn why, then that’s just a bonus!)
- The person is what’s important. They are NOT the problem.
- Show the person respect because the feelings are REAL and the behavior is probably only a less typical way of processing something.
- Don’t assume you know how to fix the problem. Chances are, the only one who can truly fix it is them.
- If you don’t know what to do, say or think, then be open to setting the example for them by seeking good counsel yourself. There are good counselors out there who would love to know you.

Unspoken Rules

Every system has rules. In most cases, the rules are verbalized, written or communicated in some clear fashion. However, every system has rules that are more obscure, making them hard to clearly identify. I refer to these as “unspoken rules”.

In most cases, everyone in the system knows there is some kind of a force acting on them but they may struggle to identify the force when they are dealing with unspoken rules.

Example:
Amy and Ben have been married for 20 years. Ben openly verbalizes his disapproval when he doesn’t agree with something. Amy is much more discrete. They have three children in the home. The oldest is a 14 year old boy. There is also a 12 year old boy and an 8 year old girl. Ben has never been abusive to any of the children or to Amy, but all the children are careful not to “make dad mad”. Ben and Amy both know the sentiment of the children and have different views about it. Ben and Amy recently decided to see a counselor because they can’t agree on how to raise the children anymore. Amy struggles to get compliance and Ben gets compliance without difficulty, often without even having to ask for it. Ben feels like Amy should be sterner with the children and Amy feels like Ben is too tough on the children.


There are an infinite number of things going on this family. You may think Ben is emotionally abusive or that Amy is a passive, weak mom. As a counselor, I’m not looking for right and wrong. Instead, I’m looking for incongruence. Where actions don’t match up with desires, there are often “unspoken rules”. Will there be things I agree with and disagree with in family systems like this? Sure. However, I don’t believe it’s my place to point out my beliefs because it would make me part of the system. The only exceptions are areas of legality. In some areas we have legal definitions of wrong, such as physical abuse. I’m always assessing legal situations throughout the counseling relationship.

In the example above, it’s pretty likely that Ben views his response from his children as a mutual understanding. Amy’s view might be that Ben uses fear based leadership to get the children to do things that make him comfortable. Somewhere in the gap is a rule that may or may not be fully understood by Ben and Amy. For the purpose of changing the focus of what may be viewed as the blame game, I would like to suggest that the 14 year old boy may have figured out the Mom and Dad don’t talk to each other about the children enough. This might suggest the possibility that Ben and Amy can be manipulated if they are pitted against each other. This isn’t to say the 14 year old is a bad kid. The system allows for him to get what he wants in this way. The unspoken rule may be “blame someone else”, or “don’t make Ben mad”. It could also be “Amy is a softy when Ben is pointed to as a mean man”, or “it’s us against the parents”. The list of unspoken rules could go on and on.

You may be wondering how to identify which rule it is. The truth is, it doesn’t really matter at the beginning. I take a guess and ask if it sounds like something that is going on in the home. The clients will assess whether it is one of their rules or not. An interesting thing happens when an unspoken rule is identified. Usually, one or more members of the family have a feeling that it makes sense and they hold on to the rule for a while and, possibly, test it out. Over time, they are usually able to verbalize the, previously, unspoken rule. Once the rule is verbalized, the family can decide how much power the rule holds in the home. Essentially, my goal is still the same as you may have seen on my web page. I am here to help create insightful opportunities. You can look at the blog about Johari’s Window for a clear perspective on what I’m trying to achieve as a counselor.

This blog, however, is intended to help us remember that we have unspoken rules in our systems and that those rules impact everyone in the system, whether it’s in a good way or a way that complicates things. What are the unspoken rules in your family? What about your family of origin (where you were raised)? What are the unspoken rules between you and your spouse or girlfriend? Ask yourself some of theses questions. They won’t be easy to answer. You’ll have to think about them and possibly talk to others about them. You may reflect on old journal entries and notice that there was a rule you always followed but never knew. Whatever the case might be, identifying the rules we conform to is a valuable piece to taking control of our lives. Once we know the rules our systems adhere to, we can decide to use them purposefully rather than having them “happen to us”.