Unspoken Rules

Every system has rules. In most cases, the rules are verbalized, written or communicated in some clear fashion. However, every system has rules that are more obscure, making them hard to clearly identify. I refer to these as “unspoken rules”.

In most cases, everyone in the system knows there is some kind of a force acting on them but they may struggle to identify the force when they are dealing with unspoken rules.

Example:
Amy and Ben have been married for 20 years. Ben openly verbalizes his disapproval when he doesn’t agree with something. Amy is much more discrete. They have three children in the home. The oldest is a 14 year old boy. There is also a 12 year old boy and an 8 year old girl. Ben has never been abusive to any of the children or to Amy, but all the children are careful not to “make dad mad”. Ben and Amy both know the sentiment of the children and have different views about it. Ben and Amy recently decided to see a counselor because they can’t agree on how to raise the children anymore. Amy struggles to get compliance and Ben gets compliance without difficulty, often without even having to ask for it. Ben feels like Amy should be sterner with the children and Amy feels like Ben is too tough on the children.


There are an infinite number of things going on this family. You may think Ben is emotionally abusive or that Amy is a passive, weak mom. As a counselor, I’m not looking for right and wrong. Instead, I’m looking for incongruence. Where actions don’t match up with desires, there are often “unspoken rules”. Will there be things I agree with and disagree with in family systems like this? Sure. However, I don’t believe it’s my place to point out my beliefs because it would make me part of the system. The only exceptions are areas of legality. In some areas we have legal definitions of wrong, such as physical abuse. I’m always assessing legal situations throughout the counseling relationship.

In the example above, it’s pretty likely that Ben views his response from his children as a mutual understanding. Amy’s view might be that Ben uses fear based leadership to get the children to do things that make him comfortable. Somewhere in the gap is a rule that may or may not be fully understood by Ben and Amy. For the purpose of changing the focus of what may be viewed as the blame game, I would like to suggest that the 14 year old boy may have figured out the Mom and Dad don’t talk to each other about the children enough. This might suggest the possibility that Ben and Amy can be manipulated if they are pitted against each other. This isn’t to say the 14 year old is a bad kid. The system allows for him to get what he wants in this way. The unspoken rule may be “blame someone else”, or “don’t make Ben mad”. It could also be “Amy is a softy when Ben is pointed to as a mean man”, or “it’s us against the parents”. The list of unspoken rules could go on and on.

You may be wondering how to identify which rule it is. The truth is, it doesn’t really matter at the beginning. I take a guess and ask if it sounds like something that is going on in the home. The clients will assess whether it is one of their rules or not. An interesting thing happens when an unspoken rule is identified. Usually, one or more members of the family have a feeling that it makes sense and they hold on to the rule for a while and, possibly, test it out. Over time, they are usually able to verbalize the, previously, unspoken rule. Once the rule is verbalized, the family can decide how much power the rule holds in the home. Essentially, my goal is still the same as you may have seen on my web page. I am here to help create insightful opportunities. You can look at the blog about Johari’s Window for a clear perspective on what I’m trying to achieve as a counselor.

This blog, however, is intended to help us remember that we have unspoken rules in our systems and that those rules impact everyone in the system, whether it’s in a good way or a way that complicates things. What are the unspoken rules in your family? What about your family of origin (where you were raised)? What are the unspoken rules between you and your spouse or girlfriend? Ask yourself some of theses questions. They won’t be easy to answer. You’ll have to think about them and possibly talk to others about them. You may reflect on old journal entries and notice that there was a rule you always followed but never knew. Whatever the case might be, identifying the rules we conform to is a valuable piece to taking control of our lives. Once we know the rules our systems adhere to, we can decide to use them purposefully rather than having them “happen to us”.